#362

5.26.23

1:42p

Gimmie all the glory. I want people to know my name. I want to be cool, admired, liked, praised.

Following this 100k offer, I’ve done so much research on up and coming Asian filmmakers. I can be like them. But better. I didn’t go to a fancy film school. My family is poor. Watch me take this money, make a film that blows your brains out, then I’ll walk on stage with my carefully rehearsed speech to appear humble yet confident. Gimmie the glory.

And then I take a step back and realize, who actually cares? How many dumps do people actually give?

There’s one person I want to please with this film: my dad. If I fail at that, I will suffice for second place.

Maybe this stuff mentioned above will happen. None of it will matter. None of it will have a bearing on my eternity and my true worth. Because the only reason I’m making this film is because of my dad. Everything else gets in the way. I have to continually remind myself, glory is futile. Glory is ephemeral. Glory is dumb.

And when/if my dad finally tells me he loves me and is proud of me, I will accept it and celebrate. But it won’t complete me. Because my true worth is fixed on something greater, eternal, bigger than me.

And that’s where I must give all the glory.

Kiubon