#352

12:55p

2.9.23

Wow: I hung out with my local hong kong Spikeball team till 12:30a last night. The banter, jokes, and crew was all off the charts. And entirely in Cantonese! I love seeing my community grow and my heart for them grow. We’re going to Bali in September for the Spikeball Asia Cup! Remember when we played on the beach? Life was so simple then. Took a BlaBlaCar that didn’t get lost, got some food, played on beach, spent time together as new friends, and easy train back. So unglamorous, with hints of mundane, yet one of of the best days of my life. 

Pow: It seems like my equanimity (ability to stay level headed despite good or bad circumstances) has significantly decreased. I’ve been meditating every day since Jan 2020. So why do I find myself fuming under my breath when I can’t find my friend’s apartment in the maze of Hong Kong? I spent 10 days meditating 10 hours a day at a retreat. Shouldn’t I be better at this? Small complaint. 

Holy Cow: I find myself slowly losing desire for worldly things. Who cares about all these swanky women at the Four Seasons Bar? And that advert of Johnny Depp playing the electric guitar selling some cologne. And gossipping about rich families in Hong Kong who have it better than everyone. Shouldn’t your heart yearn for things that are greater? That please you eternally and won’t wither away? I think, “wow maybe I’m actually growing as a Christian.” Then I think, oh shoot am I just self brainwashing myself? Am I just catering my thoughts and behavior so I fit in better with my community? Which cognitive bias am I buying into now? Yeah who cares about cologne, but I’d really love to spend some money on some camera gear… Bleh. This whole faith thing is hard, but it’s cool to see some semblance of growth/learning

Kiubon

#351

2.1.23

2:15p

Sometimes I see middle aged men and think, “where did all their life go?”

They seem lame, overweight, unaccomplished. I’m critical of this because I fear this will happen to me.

What if I go up to them and ask, “What have you done with your life?”

They might tell me, “I’ve been to Japan, Belarus, and even Lesotho when I was young.”

I’d stay there with a bit of awe.

What if they said, “I’ve road tripped all around Eastern Europe while gathering research for my GPS business.”

Okay that’s a little cooler.

Or what if they say, “I’m 25 year veteran in vispausana meditation, ultra marathoner, and foster dad to 10 kids.”

Now that’s different.

These three scenarios change from going, doing, and being.

I’ve gone here. I’ve done this. I am this.

We should be striving to become someone. Because what’s the point in going to Japan if you only get a thinner wallet and Kyoto keychain?

What’s the point in getting research for your GPS company when all you get is a bit more money?

It all points to becoming someone more levelheaded, perseverant, witty, holy, loving, caring, kind.

So where have I gone? Plenty of places. 17 countries in 2022.

What have I done? Hitchhiked all over Western Europe to make a documentary.

And who am I? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Filmmaker? Writer? Brother. Son. Storyteller. Creative. Musician?

Beloved. Funny. Curious. Insecure. Figuring things out.

Kiubon

#350

1.28.23

3:57p

Some days you just feel crappier than other days. Did you sleep enough? Did you eat enough greens? Look through your texts and see who irked you.

What can you do right now that will make you feel a little better?
Walk to the store and buy an apple.
Watch a funny youtube video. Just one.
Chug some water.
Hit the gym.
Play your happy playlist and jam out.
Cold shower.
Do something generous for someone.

So many things you can do. If you continue to pout and do nothing, you’re compounding bad habits that will fill you with regret when you’re older.

Kiubon

#349

11:26a

1.27.23

There are men in suits walking around the mall I’m in. They work above in some office with a decent a view.

I wonder if they like their job. I wonder if they must work in finance for now, to set up the rest of their life.

Maybe I’m extrapolating because I’m unsure myself, for my own career in the creative field.

Am I willing to put 10 years in for a moment of glory everybody will forget about but me? So I’m forced to retell the same story with false embellishments so some people care? Not sure dude.

Kiubon

#348

1.21.23

8:35p

You know when you sing along to the radio, you sound pretty dang good. Your voice perfectly matches to the artist’s. You’re grooving. Until you turn off the radio, and now it’s just you singing. You realize you actually sound bad.

That’s the same with everything you do. Or at the very least, a lot of what you do. Your golf swing is actually pretty cooked. If you examine your thoughts about your mother, they’re more deprecating than affirming. You probably found your hand in the cookie jar more than not.

If a camera crew followed literally everybody around, you’d realize everybody just sucks.

Then you realize nobody really cares… Yes everybody sucks. And it doesn’t really matter.

You actually suck at singing, but you’re going to sing anyways. You’re going to keep swinging. You’re going to try and love your mother better.

Anyways, there’s no point turning off the radio!

Kiubon

#347

1.19.23

I’m really identifying with these two verses from this song:

I keep searching for the answers to my doubts
It’s like I’m caught between belief and wanting out
But there’s this promise that my soul just cannot shake
That I am loved despite the struggles of my faith

And now that my eyes are open
I can see that I am stronger broken
You’re the mystery that I put my hope in
The more I seek, the more I find

Socrates said, “I know that I know nothing.”
I’m finding comfort in not having it all figured out. Ask person at any age, we’re all just faking it.

We’re all walking around hoping something will fall from the sky to tell us if we’re doing it right or not.

Good thing we have Jesus! Who did come back from Heaven to tell us! Cheesy I know, but what else won’t fail me? What else will last forever? What else will love me back?
It for sure as hell won’t be the Oscar trophy I dream about that I will leave in my hotel room.

Kiubon

#346

1.18.23

11:27a

A fear mindset is not healthy. You process everything in scarcity, worry, and unease.

If I skateboard down this street, everybody will look at me weird, and I fear the judgement of strangers.

If I text this person again, they might not reply because they’re busy, and I fear their rejection.

I must buy all these snacks because I fear they won’t need me there, so I’m making my contribution.

I must purge food from my body, because I fear people don’t like me, so I must be good looking for them.

I’m learning how to recognize the culture of fear that’s lived in my head for so long, and to say get out.

Kiubon

#344

1.9.23

11:01p

There are no such thing as relationship problems. They are all human problems, according to Mark Manson.

So as I examine why I code switch when talking to certain people, I think, what is wrong with me?

Why am I changing myself? What am I believing about myself that causes me to act this way?

Bleh
Kiubon

#343

1.7.23

I live with a French family here in Hong Kong. I share a bathroom with a 16 year old girl, and tonight she brought home a group of friends. I had just finished eating some bok choy and roast duck, when they all came out of her room, speaking fast french, laughing, followed by some sushing. I didn’t dare go wash my plate. The bones just sat there, simmering in the used napkins. I just locked myself in my room, even had to go to the bathroom, but I kept tight.

Sometimes you’re scared. And you recognize it. How irrational it is. And you don’t do anything about it. I’m paying 6000 HKD a month for rent. Yes I’m entitled to the bathroom whenever I want. But sometimes a group of 16 year or old girls, you’re afraid of their judgment, what they will think of you, and even scarier, if they ask you a question.

I know it’s so dumb. They finally left, so I went to pee.
Kiubon

#340

1.3.23

9:47a

Looking through some of these old entries is painful. The writing is so bland, boring, and sucky.

Who cares.

I’m not writing for anyone. I’m getting through the bad writing to find the good writing.

So if you’re reading this and you think it sucks, good.

Keep coming back for crappy writing and you might get a good entry here and there.

Kiubon

#337

There will be some boys who will go downstairs on Christmas day with no presents.

Maybe they’ll say hi to their mom, maybe they won’t. It’ll be a regular day. It might be snowing outside, but it won’t matter to them.

They’ll hit the power button on their computer or Xbox and wait for the game to load. They’ll play for three hours and not remember any of it. At the end of the game, they’ll say “good game” and “Merry Christmas” on voice chat. And the other boys will say it back. That will be the only one they hear that day. Their heart yearns for intimacy and a Merry Christmas from a stranger playing a video game is the only semblance that today is a holiday.

They’ll eat some dinner. Maybe his parents will say it then, trying to reach out. But he’ll ignore it or just let the words float in the air, since the damage is done. He’ll have to grow up and wait for when it’s just beyond too late to start the process of having real Christmas days with his family. And until then, he’ll keep playing video games, and as much as he likes it, he’ll wait for the day when he has an excuse not to.

Kiubon

#336

11/30/22

9:19a

There’s a dad and his son eating McDonalds together in the TPE airport. He bought him a breakfast bagel that’s way to large him for him. He’ll probably finish it too since this is a treat. They don’t talk. He takes big bites. He drinks from his large soda. The dad taps away at his computer.

Stuff like this reminds me of me and my father like crazy. We never ate McDonalds together in a Taiwanese airport, but he used to buy me hash browns as a gift. That’s all he could afford. I would nibble on it slowly as he drove back to our townhouse. Sometimes it was so hot, the paper melted with the potato.

One night, sharing a bedroom with my older brother, I was reflecting on my mom and dad fighting. I knew they hated each other, but I didn’t want him to leave, because then who would buy me hash browns?

I got to go to Taiwan, a place my dad has been. My dad has been here. I tell myself, as I binge on 7/11 pastries and exploit my privilege.

One day, I’ll be across from my son, eating McDonalds. And we’ll be talking. I swear to you, we’ll be talking.

Kiubon

#335

11.17.22

8:26a

What was one thing yesterday that I learned or progressed on that will influence me today?

Yesterday at counseling, I learned that I am codependent. I am not okay unless you are okay. Today, I will see the way I interact with people and not apply that mindset. I will make sure my needs are met in a healthy way and also address their needs, without being codependent.

Kiubon

#334

11.4.22

11:46a

Sometimes deep down I think blogging will make me famous. Or successful. Or really really rich. Those are all huge stretches, yet it brings me to write another blog post. I know nobody really reads these. I really don’t “care”. Reading old blog posts from 3 years ago is such a treat. That should be enough, right? Loving the process?

Kiubon

#334

10:16p

11.1.22

A dude at BJJ told me today, “I can deadlift your entire family.” I’ve never heard anything like that. Creativity in insults, is where humor is. Creativity in all things! Is what makes life. FUNNY.

How can I make this more creative?

this

doing

by

maybe?

If I had more time, I would think of more ideas.

Kiubon