#309

7.12.22

11:05a

There’s a common theme in the people I surround myself with: they’re all good looking. Especially the women. There’s some deep rooted insecurity here of wanting their approval, though that’s for another day.

Some of those people have ugly personalities. They’re neurotic, they’re weak, they bring me down. Those are common traits a lot of people share, though I ask myself, why do I keep them around? If they were ugly, would I tolerate this behavior? Nope. Eject. I would scram out of there. So why do I stick around? Why do I put up with them? Just because they’re pretty? Literally just because they look like that? People are generally when people look the best. When they get older and gravity sags their face to look like a thumb, looks won’t matter. It’s so superficial. Yet I find myself putting up with stupid behavior just because a girl has blue eyes. Gross. What a damn lie, looks.

I don’t know what the lesson is. Should I start tolerating all people if they have a cool personality? Idk dude. I should fix this at the source, find worth in myself, boost my confidence, work on myself because who gives a crap about pretty girls that will look like thumbs in 30 years. That’s mean. As gravity does it work, we can only hope they are also refining themselves to have ridiculously good souls.

Kiubon

#308

7.11.22

3:37p

I don’t want to grow up. It’s a stupid concept. My best friend got married yesterday, I was the best man, and barely had time with him. He already lives in a different city, he now has a wife, kids will come sooner or later, time with him will get more and more scarce. Maybe once a quarter, once every six months, then once a year, maybe during holidays.

I’m moving to Hong Kong. I wanna move around more. I want to make movies. All these things will take me from him as well. We are growing up. No wonder so many married couples only have 2 friends.

I guess that’s why we fortify our friendships when we’re young, so they can survive when we’re older. This also brings up the point of making sure your spouse is your best friend x 100 and is ridiculously cool. It’s just you and them.

When we ask people how old they are, sometimes they grimace. Sometimes they make you guess. And when they say the number “36” they always say it with regret, as if growing old is a bad thing, something in their control. Which it’s not. We just go around the sun again and again. And get older. And people move away. And people change. So that’s why it’s back to being in the moment. Being present. Cherishing now. Because that’s all we have. And it should be enough.

Kiubon

#307

7.9.22

3:31p

I didn’t know what to say for my best man speech. Then my friend told me, “Just have fun with it since nobody will remember it or pay attention.” That took the weight off my shoulders.

Everything I will say, before will forget it when the dancing starts. How freeing! I can then say whatever I want.

A lot of stuff is like this: what you wear, what you eat, what you did or said, nobody remembers. Nobody cares. So as long as you’re having fun, pleasing yourself, you’ve won.

Tomorrow, my best friend gets married, another sign we’re growing up. Even though we don’t want to.

Kiubon

#306

7.5.22

4:50p

I was outside on the phone with a friend when my Dad walked outside with my little brother. “Fireworks. You wanna go?” He’s never invited me to anything before. I didn’t know what to do and said, “you go ahead first”, without making a solid decision.

My friend spoke sense in me and told me to go. So I called my dad to tell him to turn the car around to pick me up.

In the car he asked me if I found a job yet. I was surprised. I said yes reluctantly and told him it’s in Hong Kong. He tried to hide his shock. Where would I live? How would I afford it? Of course I didn’t tell him I’m fundraising my salary. Of course I didn’t rub it in. I get to go to his beloved home turned war zone, while he can’t, even if he wanted to.

With hidden anger in his tone, he told me it would cost around $500 USD a month to live in one of the coffin homes: a horizontal closet.

He fled in 1996. Scrubbed dishes to put food on the table. Put me through school, only for me to return to the place he hates.

Sorry Pops. I have to do this.

Kiubon

#305

6:10p

6.28.22

It doesn’t cost anything. It makes people feel good. So do it! Even if you hate the person, tell them the one thing you like about them and it might change the relationship.

Today is the last day of the Lights, Camera, Learn Jordan 2022 program. At our leadership meeting with our boss, she took the time to encourage us. It made me feel good. It made me start the day off well. Encourage others. Send them a text now!

Kiubon

#304

6.27.22

7:25p

When I was a kid, I waited by my phone waiting for that one person to wish me a happy birthday. The other people were cool too, yeah thanks. Though only one really mattered.

Today, I turn 23, and I’m not waiting for one person. That’s so freeing. I previously gave myself permission to be happy when one person sent me a small text with two words. How sad.

It only took me 23 years! Hurray hurray!

Kiubon

#303

6.25.22

12:23p

I’m staying in an apartment in Amman, Jordan. Outside my window are tents. There are families living in them, little kids running around the dirt and trash. Yesterday, one kid was naked, squatting down, picking at the rock with a stick. Meanwhile, I’m here, eating overpriced food.

We drive four hours from Wadi Rum to this apartment. We carried bags full of sugary drinks and snacks. All while those kids ran around in their tents, trying to have fun with what they have. While, we are trying to have fun with all we have, unsuccessful.

These are refugees displaced from their homes. Meanwhile, I’m spending thousands of dollars on plane tickets, emitting unnecessary carbon, trying to find home.

I don’t want to go on this campaign about comparative suffering. They have it worse. So many people have it worse than me. Though I should be allowed to feel my pain. yeah yeah yeah.

The lesson from watching those kids in their tents is this – be grateful. That’s it. Be more grateful.

Kiubon

#302

6.18.22

10:17a

I’m in Jordan working for the nonprofit Lights, Camera, Learn. For our June program, we are empowering Palestinian refugee children by creating movies with them.

Yesterday was hectic. Kids were running around. telling me to speak Chinese, pulling at my phone to use google translate. I was tired. Kids are tiring. In the midst of it, I thought if I had similar experiences like them. I can see some faces of the people who lead church activities or swimming games with me. I can’t remember their faces.

These kids will forget my name. I won’t remember and won’t want to think about my time in Jordan when I’m on my deathbed.

So what really matters here? It’s just this moment. And making sure the kids are having fun. Yes I’m tired. Yes I won’t remember this. Though we have now, so let’s have fun. Let’s make today a good day, in hopes tomorrow will be good too.

Kiubon

#301

5.17.22

9:58p

It took me less than two minutes to hitch a ride in Jerash, Jordan. Plus, first time, three cars stopped for us.

Everybody is white in Europe. On average I waited 90 minutes.

People say Arabs are dangerous, terrorists, mean people. Though I’ve been astonished at all the nice people here.

I’ve been offered free food on multiple occasions, and the one English word everybody knows is “welcome.”

Thank you American media for subverting my expectations so I could come here and be pleasantly surprised.

Kiubon

#300

6.12.22

1:57p

When I was 18, I left the country for the first time, hopping on a plane to Tunis, Tunisia. I was shocked. We have to buy our own water at the grocery store?! Ignorance from my privileged American ass.

Now I’m in Jordan, doing the same thing. It’s normal. As I travel, I learn and adapt to how other parts of the world works. I’m not sure if this is desensitization, or I’m learning to be more equanimous.

Some countries give out free water from the tap. Some you have to buy water at stores. Some even give out free vodka from the tap. While sometimes you have to go to the store for some white claws. Whatever it is, I want to learn how to empathize better.

Kiubon

#299

6.2.22

2:58p

I overuse the deathbed litmus test because it’s so handy.

“Will I remember this on my death bed?”

This particular blog post? Probably not. What I ate for lunch? Doubt it. When I jumped out of an airplane? Not that either.

I probably won’t be reminiscing much about what I’ve done in life, because I’ll be in too much pain. Or I’ll be too focused on the loved ones around me, visiting me, bringing me flowers.

How can I lead a life that results in people I immensely love at my deathbed? The girl I had a fling with won’t be there, or my friend who cried with me when we said goodbye. Though I can practice loving those people around me, listening well, validating others emotions, so when the time comes to love those close to me, I’ll be so good at it.

So is that what life is? Cultivating a tribe of amazing people you love to surround you while they talk about pulling your plug or not?

I guess so. Because what else would it be? Climbing the career ladder? Making loads of money? Winning eight olympic medals? All these things are just practice – networking, meeting people, loving people, so maybe one of them can show up at your deathbed.

Kiubon

#298

6.1.22

12:50p

While you don’t know where you will sleep or shower next, when sleeping on your friend’s couches, you can’t help but feel cared for. They’re opening up their space, leaving the apartment and trusting you, and giving you their food. They gain nothing. You gain everything.

That is a community, relying on other people when you can’t do it on your own. Are there couches you can crash on?

I can’t wait to have my own place to let my people sleep there, and I’ll be the one taking the couch.

And in the mean time, here’s to more friends around the world who care for me, especially when I can’t care for myself.

Kiubon

#297

5.21.22

9:37p

Jim Carrey said something about wishing everybody would get rich and famous so they realize it’s not the answer. A lot of artists put the work in and get famous. Sometimes their art changes as a result, it gets weirder, more daring, not like they were before fame.

My theory is these artists realize fame and money and all that just made the hedonic treadmill run faster, so when they make art, they realize nothing actually matters anymore. They have everything, and it’s still not that “good.” So they can just make art without any judgement. Some people think this art sucks, but the majority find it so cool, chic, a side they didn’t know they wanted.

And the artist gets more famous, more money, and more realizations that nothing matters.

So what matters?

Kiubon

#295

5.18.22

6:27p

My friend proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. At the engagement party, she was smiling the whole time, showing off her ring (a gorgeous ring), giving everybody hugs. And she’s not the type to strut or boast, she just seemed so happy.

I felt a strange nostalgia for the past mixed with a welcoming appreciation for the future. We’re all growing up. My friend, who is younger than me, is now engaged. I felt so privileged to be in that room, celebrating them two.

Next year they’ll get married, honeymoon, start their life, live with one another, maybe try for kids, maybe fight, argue, watch each other grow old. And to be able to celebrate them in the beginning, what a privilege!

Maybe you’ll go to a bunch of engagement parties in your life, take a picture with the couple, get your phone back, zoom into your face and think, “where did the time go?”

Kiubon