#316

08/10/22

7:46p

I see this moment in my head, right before my little brother entered his angsty stage. He comes into my room, holding one of those thick school books designed to do over the summer so you don’t get “stupid.” He already asked my sister for help, and she was impatient with him, so he comes in a little distraught. He sits on my bed and asks for my help. I’m doing something so irrelevant on my computer I can’t even remember. I’m not in the mood to help. I try and help him. We’re multiplying numbers or something. I’m losing patience with him. He’s not getting it. I throw my finger down aggressively on the page and say something mean, “you don’t get it Kojii???” In that exact moment, right before he reacted, I knew I fucked up. His faces wrinkles up and he starts to cry. I feel like an asshole and say sorry but he’s already getting up and leaving. I try and convince him to stay, which he would’ve done when he was younger, but he’s capable of making his own decisions now. He cries and leave the room, holding his workbook by the corner. I feel like shit for a moment and then turn back to my computer, hit play, to continue watching or doing whatever meaningless crap that was more important than my little brother. 

I see this moment vividly. I always revisit again and again. That was my last moment with him before he entered his preteen age. I think it was right when Covid started. I moved into a friends house during Covid and then left for Yosemite. When I finally return home, he’s much taller, older, more quiet. We don’t talk. It’s not like before when he used to be so excited to give me a hug whenever I came home. I’m so sorry I fucked up Kojii. I’m so sorry. 

Kiubon

#315

08/07/22

1:26p

Whenever I’m about to cry, my noses get crinkly. A tinkling feeling. Im lying down at Riverside Lisbon. My friend Dhina next to me. I love this place so much. Portugal has been amazing. When you get the people right and the place right, nothing else really matters. Portugal, thank you. 

Kiubon

#314

7.24.22

5:58p

There’s a group of boys in the booth next to me playing Nintendo Switch. I imagine the texts went something like this.

Wyd

Nothing

Want to play Smash?

Sure

Where

Panera?

Okay let me shower first

They look so lame. Mundane. And that’s not a knock. Just matter of fact. They probably played some mediocre games, nothing noteworthy. Maybe next week they’ll do the same. Probably earlier. This is life. The mundane. They’ll continue playing video games together, growing their friendship. One day, one of them will get married, and maybe the other will be the best man. Maybe one day in college, one will have a breakdown, and the other will know exactly what to say. Because of that Nintendo Switch. Because they spent time in the mundane to get to know one another, where you really get to know someone, sometimes just sitting in a car, sometimes playing video games.

Kiubon

#313

7.20.22

11:06a

My sugar addiction has been the hardest to cut. Just now, I saw a mom by her 3 year old daughter a fat smoothie. Why would you do that? She is going to grow up craving things with sugar because of this early start.

Sugar is delicious. It’s a treat. Though, isn’t it much more rewarding for her to start her life with a foundation of healthy eating? A foundation of fiber instead of sugar? Maybe this is my eating disorder talking. Maybe it’s my fear that I will never kick this. Maybe I wish my parents kept a stronger hold on my sugar, even though I would’ve hated it as a kid.

Kiubon

#312

7.17.22

3:08p

In 1.5 weeks, I head to Portugal to film my friends wedding. He’s 5’2″ and she’s 6’0″. It’s a funny combo. It’ll be my fourth time visiting Portugal which is crazy to me. Out of the four flights to Portugal, I only paid for one, and I was flying from France, so it was cheap.

After my week in Portugal, I will be in Columbus for the most part and then Asia. It’s crazy to think It’ll be my last time for a long time visiting (Western) Europe. It makes me think of this thoughtful Sam Harris lesson:

Since 18 years old, I’ve spent much self discovery time there. And Europe is easy. So easy. And I will miss it nonetheless.

When’s the last time you’ll go to Europe? Or some place you really love? You never really do know. Act accordingly.

Kiubon

#311

7.16.22

9:54p

Sometimes you have to read an old book to see how much you’ve grown. I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower in seventh grade, the start of my depression. That was more than ten years ago. Gosh I’m getting old. And I’m only 23. Some lines I finally understood. Some I probably won’t for another ten years. Some didn’t hit as hard as ten years ago. Some hit even harder. My favorite book ever is Okay For Now by Gary D. Schmidt. I’ve never cried harder from a book. And it’s not supposed to be sad. I also read that when I was in seventh grade. Though I fear it probably won’t be my favorite book in a couple of years, because that side of me is becoming a distant memory – that depressed, angsty preteen. Until then, I’ll enjoy reading some of my favorite books from then.

This line hit hard from The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. “

The Perks of Being a Wall Flower by Stephen Chbosky

Kiubon

#310

7.14.22

5:33p

Dear Amal,

Forty-nine. When you told us to take time to write what we learned in Jordan, I had forty-nine points. Some of them are cheesy like, “I learned I need to fix my posture.” and  “I learned I like anklets and rings.” Some of them I’ll keep with me forever like, “I learned some people exhaust me, therefore I need to schedule alone time.” and “I learned I am at my worst as a leader when I’m questioning small decisions.” Jordan was a privilege. Come spend a month in this beautiful country that not many Americans go to, yeah you’ll eat so much falafel and hummus, and work with Palestininan refugees, and explore Petra and float in the Dead Sea, but also you’ll walk away with forty-nine valuable lessons that will shape you, challenge you, mold you into this wonderful human you’re becoming. What a privilege. Thank you Amal. I turned 23 when I was in Jordan. I turned 19 when I was in Tunis, my first LCL program. Now is the time to hunker down, level up, explore, adventure, and discover who I want to be and what impact I want to make. And what a privilege it is that Lights, Camera, Learn was the very start of this growth journey, and it’s continuing to enlighten me. Also quick side note about the Dead Sea, I’ve been listening to that song by The Lumineers for nine years, and thanks to Jordan and you, I finally got a chance to visit – a surreal moment. It’s July 2022. As old chapters close and new ones begin, I’ll look back on Jordan to see how I learned much needed lessons for my next adventure: Hong Kong. I’ll remember to stand up straight as I walk around the bustling markets. I’ll flash my new jade ring to all my new friends. I’ll be a confident leader, especially in the small decisions. In a couple of years, maybe there will be a Hong Kong or Guangzhou LCL session. I’ll lead it. It’ll be so much fun. When we’re finished, I’ll write one of these letters, and end it with the only sentence that really matters. Thank you Amal.

Yours truly,

Kiubon

#309

7.12.22

11:05a

There’s a common theme in the people I surround myself with: they’re all good looking. Especially the women. There’s some deep rooted insecurity here of wanting their approval, though that’s for another day.

Some of those people have ugly personalities. They’re neurotic, they’re weak, they bring me down. Those are common traits a lot of people share, though I ask myself, why do I keep them around? If they were ugly, would I tolerate this behavior? Nope. Eject. I would scram out of there. So why do I stick around? Why do I put up with them? Just because they’re pretty? Literally just because they look like that? People are generally when people look the best. When they get older and gravity sags their face to look like a thumb, looks won’t matter. It’s so superficial. Yet I find myself putting up with stupid behavior just because a girl has blue eyes. Gross. What a damn lie, looks.

I don’t know what the lesson is. Should I start tolerating all people if they have a cool personality? Idk dude. I should fix this at the source, find worth in myself, boost my confidence, work on myself because who gives a crap about pretty girls that will look like thumbs in 30 years. That’s mean. As gravity does it work, we can only hope they are also refining themselves to have ridiculously good souls.

Kiubon

#308

7.11.22

3:37p

I don’t want to grow up. It’s a stupid concept. My best friend got married yesterday, I was the best man, and barely had time with him. He already lives in a different city, he now has a wife, kids will come sooner or later, time with him will get more and more scarce. Maybe once a quarter, once every six months, then once a year, maybe during holidays.

I’m moving to Hong Kong. I wanna move around more. I want to make movies. All these things will take me from him as well. We are growing up. No wonder so many married couples only have 2 friends.

I guess that’s why we fortify our friendships when we’re young, so they can survive when we’re older. This also brings up the point of making sure your spouse is your best friend x 100 and is ridiculously cool. It’s just you and them.

When we ask people how old they are, sometimes they grimace. Sometimes they make you guess. And when they say the number “36” they always say it with regret, as if growing old is a bad thing, something in their control. Which it’s not. We just go around the sun again and again. And get older. And people move away. And people change. So that’s why it’s back to being in the moment. Being present. Cherishing now. Because that’s all we have. And it should be enough.

Kiubon

#307

7.9.22

3:31p

I didn’t know what to say for my best man speech. Then my friend told me, “Just have fun with it since nobody will remember it or pay attention.” That took the weight off my shoulders.

Everything I will say, before will forget it when the dancing starts. How freeing! I can then say whatever I want.

A lot of stuff is like this: what you wear, what you eat, what you did or said, nobody remembers. Nobody cares. So as long as you’re having fun, pleasing yourself, you’ve won.

Tomorrow, my best friend gets married, another sign we’re growing up. Even though we don’t want to.

Kiubon

#306

7.5.22

4:50p

I was outside on the phone with a friend when my Dad walked outside with my little brother. “Fireworks. You wanna go?” He’s never invited me to anything before. I didn’t know what to do and said, “you go ahead first”, without making a solid decision.

My friend spoke sense in me and told me to go. So I called my dad to tell him to turn the car around to pick me up.

In the car he asked me if I found a job yet. I was surprised. I said yes reluctantly and told him it’s in Hong Kong. He tried to hide his shock. Where would I live? How would I afford it? Of course I didn’t tell him I’m fundraising my salary. Of course I didn’t rub it in. I get to go to his beloved home turned war zone, while he can’t, even if he wanted to.

With hidden anger in his tone, he told me it would cost around $500 USD a month to live in one of the coffin homes: a horizontal closet.

He fled in 1996. Scrubbed dishes to put food on the table. Put me through school, only for me to return to the place he hates.

Sorry Pops. I have to do this.

Kiubon

#305

6:10p

6.28.22

It doesn’t cost anything. It makes people feel good. So do it! Even if you hate the person, tell them the one thing you like about them and it might change the relationship.

Today is the last day of the Lights, Camera, Learn Jordan 2022 program. At our leadership meeting with our boss, she took the time to encourage us. It made me feel good. It made me start the day off well. Encourage others. Send them a text now!

Kiubon

#304

6.27.22

7:25p

When I was a kid, I waited by my phone waiting for that one person to wish me a happy birthday. The other people were cool too, yeah thanks. Though only one really mattered.

Today, I turn 23, and I’m not waiting for one person. That’s so freeing. I previously gave myself permission to be happy when one person sent me a small text with two words. How sad.

It only took me 23 years! Hurray hurray!

Kiubon

#303

6.25.22

12:23p

I’m staying in an apartment in Amman, Jordan. Outside my window are tents. There are families living in them, little kids running around the dirt and trash. Yesterday, one kid was naked, squatting down, picking at the rock with a stick. Meanwhile, I’m here, eating overpriced food.

We drive four hours from Wadi Rum to this apartment. We carried bags full of sugary drinks and snacks. All while those kids ran around in their tents, trying to have fun with what they have. While, we are trying to have fun with all we have, unsuccessful.

These are refugees displaced from their homes. Meanwhile, I’m spending thousands of dollars on plane tickets, emitting unnecessary carbon, trying to find home.

I don’t want to go on this campaign about comparative suffering. They have it worse. So many people have it worse than me. Though I should be allowed to feel my pain. yeah yeah yeah.

The lesson from watching those kids in their tents is this – be grateful. That’s it. Be more grateful.

Kiubon

#302

6.18.22

10:17a

I’m in Jordan working for the nonprofit Lights, Camera, Learn. For our June program, we are empowering Palestinian refugee children by creating movies with them.

Yesterday was hectic. Kids were running around. telling me to speak Chinese, pulling at my phone to use google translate. I was tired. Kids are tiring. In the midst of it, I thought if I had similar experiences like them. I can see some faces of the people who lead church activities or swimming games with me. I can’t remember their faces.

These kids will forget my name. I won’t remember and won’t want to think about my time in Jordan when I’m on my deathbed.

So what really matters here? It’s just this moment. And making sure the kids are having fun. Yes I’m tired. Yes I won’t remember this. Though we have now, so let’s have fun. Let’s make today a good day, in hopes tomorrow will be good too.

Kiubon