#326

9.17.22

3:22p

The way I talk to women and the way I talk to men should not be different.

Kiubon

#325

9.11.22

12:58a

September 2022 – September 2025
23-26 years old
Live in HK, working for YL the first year. Reevaluate the next. If not, working somewhere else. Perhaps weddings. I will have my HK ID. I will be conversationally fluent with canto and mando at the end of year 2. Professionally fluent by end of year 3.

I will have finished and released the BBCRTD and had a small major festival run. I will have finished editing a final draft v1 of HOTW, without the footage I would get when I return home.

September 2025 – March 2027
26-27 years old
Living at home, briefly to get footage of my mom and my dad and siblings for HOTW. Finish editing, release to major festivals and have a good run. Live off of savings and some weddings here and there and maybe small odd jobs

March 2027 – March 2030
27-30 years old
Get hired/sign up for 3 high budget fiction films and direct those. Have a much much much better relationship with parents and siblings as parents will be 64 and 74 years old. When not doing film, managing the self-sustaining twelve ten films and writing on the side personally. Whether that be a memoir, screenplays, fiction.

March 2030 – March 2033
30-33 years old
Get hired for 1 more high budget fiction films and pursue my own documentary topic that I really want to pursue. Release and sell to a streaming service. Travel to each GCB respectively to get a 10 year check up. Continue to write screenplays, memoir, other general writing. Be married or getting ready to propose. Saving a lot money I’ve been making with film. Money invested has grown significantly. Money is no longer a stressor. I give generously and still have enough.

March 2033 – beyond
33 – old
Continue to direct one movie every couple of years, making lots of money. TTF is self sustaining so I don’t need to direct commercials. Money I make from directing is a huge huge lump sum, which I can comfortably even out. Wife is making a considerable amount as well. We give away a lot of money/pay for friends stuff. We buy a house somewhere and really start to build roots there. I keep up with friends from all over the world so my language skills don’t dip. We are heavily invested in the church community and ministries. We think about kids.

Kiubon

#324

9.10.22

3:30p

The government sent us a gift card to buy food. So my dad wordlessly plopped nine chicken wings for us on the table. For three kids. He couldn’t use it all so there would be money for tomorrow. I swallowed my three, thinking I only ate two, and reached for a fourth. My brother raised his eyebrows and stopped me, saying that was his. I started to protest. And then cry. I just wanted to eat. My older sister didn’t want our parents getting involved so she grabbed the wing and put it on my plastic lid plate. I chewed with tears. My brother only had two chicken wings for lunch.

Later that day, or maybe the day after, I’ve lost track at this point, my parents fought over money. I didn’t have an iPhone to drown out the screaming. So I just kind of sat there in my room, to scared to go downstairs. Our dad was as a cold man. He had to be. He moved his whole life to the land of dreams, for us, and he could barely put food on the table.

As I got older, I kind of gave up on seeking his validation. So I went to women, hoping they would like me. Hoping they could make me feel wanted. And for them to like me, they must like what I look like. I started working out so my body would be attractive to them, so maybe they would want to sleep with me. When that wasn’t enough, I would tell myself I can’t eat for x amount of days. So I didn’t. And I lost weight. And I still didn’t feel good about myself. My dad still didn’t give me validation. So I binged. And felt bad. So I fasted again. Maybe if I became a man that could take care of himself, that could go days without eating, I would’t need my dad. I wouldn’t need his validation. That’s what I told myself. Of course you can see I’m not doing a good job loving myself. And I still don’t. Somedays are better. I’m on the journey of healing.

#323

8:19p

9.5.22

There’s a video of Tony Robbins, “saving” a suicidal man by telling him we overestimate how much we can get done in a day. But underestimate how much we can get done in a decade.

If I started something ten years ago, I would find success/excellence today. If I started piano at 13 years old and practiced at least 6 times a week for 10 years, I would be pretty darn good today.

People usually find success in 10 years. It took Simu Liu 10 years to finally get a huge role, Shang Chi. So what if I started something today, I could find success when I’m 33. Which is still young. Granted, I must do that thing religiously for 10 years.

I guess that’s why parents put their kids in sports young, so after 10 years maybe they will finally announce their name at the NBA draft.

What if we viewed the same thing with personal development? What if I stopped complaining for the next ten years? What if I said one nice thing to my mom for the next ten years? Life would surely look different.

Kiubon

#322

9.4.22

7:18p

At the gym, I saw my ex-best friend’s dad. I’ve seen him here and there but never said hi out of fear of awkwardness. Today, we both decided to go up to each other to say hi, finally. It was really nice.

We hugged.

Kiubon

#321

9:04p

9.2.22

The most interesting thing that happened today:

I was eating hazelnuts, loving them, when I smelled something rancid. Like straight ass. I audibly said, “Oh no. Oh no.” I got up, looked at my sisters dog that I reluctantly agreed to watch. There was two fat piles of dog diarrhea. The dog was just laying there, innocent like nothing happened. The smell now was so unbearable. I told the dog to get the heck outside. I walked around for five minutes, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to clean these two piles. I finally found some plastic gloves and resolved to squirt blue toilette cleaner on it, mixing the two smells, not sure if it helped. I used 3/4 of a roll of two ply toilette paper to clean it up. I gagged maybe six times while scoping the shit into the plastic bag. I let this event ruin my day and realized if a dog pissed me off this much, how much more power a human would have. I need to start recognizing the bad thoughts in my head earlier, I thought.

I guess that’s where the expression comes from, “smells like dog shit.”

Kiubon

#320

9.1.22

7:38p

Even when I don’t know what to blog, I might as well write about this.

The most interesting thing that happened today was talking with a man who fundraises for a living. He gave me all his tips and then I proceeded, to his knowledge, to use those tips to ask him to make a gift to me.

It worked wonderfully. I was not expecting him to give that much.

Kiubon

#319

8.29.22

9:17a

You pour money into a project, make it, and release it. What is the point? Is the process of making it a means to an end? Do you want glory? Do you want to leave a message? The 4th to last episode of This Is Us destroyed me. It makes me want to reach out to my dad. Is that the point in good art? To make people feel something? Of all the people who watch that episode, who will actually do something about it? 3/10? Is it worth it then? What if the whole point is just to please yourself, you have to be selfish. I guess that makes it worth it then.

Kiubon

#318

08/23/22

9:17p

The more you do something, the more you will want to do it. The less you do something, the less you will want to do something.

• Eating candy
• Working out
• Blogging
• Watching stuff on the internet you shouldn’t be watching
• Eating healthy
• Meditating

Kiubon

#317

8.21.22

1:30p

“What you do on your bad days matters more than what you do on your good days.” – Kevin Kelley

#316

08/10/22

7:46p

I see this moment in my head, right before my little brother entered his angsty stage. He comes into my room, holding one of those thick school books designed to do over the summer so you don’t get “stupid.” He already asked my sister for help, and she was impatient with him, so he comes in a little distraught. He sits on my bed and asks for my help. I’m doing something so irrelevant on my computer I can’t even remember. I’m not in the mood to help. I try and help him. We’re multiplying numbers or something. I’m losing patience with him. He’s not getting it. I throw my finger down aggressively on the page and say something mean, “you don’t get it Kojii???” In that exact moment, right before he reacted, I knew I fucked up. His faces wrinkles up and he starts to cry. I feel like an asshole and say sorry but he’s already getting up and leaving. I try and convince him to stay, which he would’ve done when he was younger, but he’s capable of making his own decisions now. He cries and leave the room, holding his workbook by the corner. I feel like shit for a moment and then turn back to my computer, hit play, to continue watching or doing whatever meaningless crap that was more important than my little brother. 

I see this moment vividly. I always revisit again and again. That was my last moment with him before he entered his preteen age. I think it was right when Covid started. I moved into a friends house during Covid and then left for Yosemite. When I finally return home, he’s much taller, older, more quiet. We don’t talk. It’s not like before when he used to be so excited to give me a hug whenever I came home. I’m so sorry I fucked up Kojii. I’m so sorry. 

Kiubon

#315

08/07/22

1:26p

Whenever I’m about to cry, my noses get crinkly. A tinkling feeling. Im lying down at Riverside Lisbon. My friend Dhina next to me. I love this place so much. Portugal has been amazing. When you get the people right and the place right, nothing else really matters. Portugal, thank you. 

Kiubon