#324

9.10.22

3:30p

The government sent us a gift card to buy food. So my dad wordlessly plopped nine chicken wings for us on the table. For three kids. He couldn’t use it all so there would be money for tomorrow. I swallowed my three, thinking I only ate two, and reached for a fourth. My brother raised his eyebrows and stopped me, saying that was his. I started to protest. And then cry. I just wanted to eat. My older sister didn’t want our parents getting involved so she grabbed the wing and put it on my plastic lid plate. I chewed with tears. My brother only had two chicken wings for lunch.

Later that day, or maybe the day after, I’ve lost track at this point, my parents fought over money. I didn’t have an iPhone to drown out the screaming. So I just kind of sat there in my room, to scared to go downstairs. Our dad was as a cold man. He had to be. He moved his whole life to the land of dreams, for us, and he could barely put food on the table.

As I got older, I kind of gave up on seeking his validation. So I went to women, hoping they would like me. Hoping they could make me feel wanted. And for them to like me, they must like what I look like. I started working out so my body would be attractive to them, so maybe they would want to sleep with me. When that wasn’t enough, I would tell myself I can’t eat for x amount of days. So I didn’t. And I lost weight. And I still didn’t feel good about myself. My dad still didn’t give me validation. So I binged. And felt bad. So I fasted again. Maybe if I became a man that could take care of himself, that could go days without eating, I would’t need my dad. I wouldn’t need his validation. That’s what I told myself. Of course you can see I’m not doing a good job loving myself. And I still don’t. Somedays are better. I’m on the journey of healing.

#323

8:19p

9.5.22

There’s a video of Tony Robbins, “saving” a suicidal man by telling him we overestimate how much we can get done in a day. But underestimate how much we can get done in a decade.

If I started something ten years ago, I would find success/excellence today. If I started piano at 13 years old and practiced at least 6 times a week for 10 years, I would be pretty darn good today.

People usually find success in 10 years. It took Simu Liu 10 years to finally get a huge role, Shang Chi. So what if I started something today, I could find success when I’m 33. Which is still young. Granted, I must do that thing religiously for 10 years.

I guess that’s why parents put their kids in sports young, so after 10 years maybe they will finally announce their name at the NBA draft.

What if we viewed the same thing with personal development? What if I stopped complaining for the next ten years? What if I said one nice thing to my mom for the next ten years? Life would surely look different.

Kiubon

#322

9.4.22

7:18p

At the gym, I saw my ex-best friend’s dad. I’ve seen him here and there but never said hi out of fear of awkwardness. Today, we both decided to go up to each other to say hi, finally. It was really nice.

We hugged.

Kiubon

#321

9:04p

9.2.22

The most interesting thing that happened today:

I was eating hazelnuts, loving them, when I smelled something rancid. Like straight ass. I audibly said, “Oh no. Oh no.” I got up, looked at my sisters dog that I reluctantly agreed to watch. There was two fat piles of dog diarrhea. The dog was just laying there, innocent like nothing happened. The smell now was so unbearable. I told the dog to get the heck outside. I walked around for five minutes, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to clean these two piles. I finally found some plastic gloves and resolved to squirt blue toilette cleaner on it, mixing the two smells, not sure if it helped. I used 3/4 of a roll of two ply toilette paper to clean it up. I gagged maybe six times while scoping the shit into the plastic bag. I let this event ruin my day and realized if a dog pissed me off this much, how much more power a human would have. I need to start recognizing the bad thoughts in my head earlier, I thought.

I guess that’s where the expression comes from, “smells like dog shit.”

Kiubon

#320

9.1.22

7:38p

Even when I don’t know what to blog, I might as well write about this.

The most interesting thing that happened today was talking with a man who fundraises for a living. He gave me all his tips and then I proceeded, to his knowledge, to use those tips to ask him to make a gift to me.

It worked wonderfully. I was not expecting him to give that much.

Kiubon

#319

8.29.22

9:17a

You pour money into a project, make it, and release it. What is the point? Is the process of making it a means to an end? Do you want glory? Do you want to leave a message? The 4th to last episode of This Is Us destroyed me. It makes me want to reach out to my dad. Is that the point in good art? To make people feel something? Of all the people who watch that episode, who will actually do something about it? 3/10? Is it worth it then? What if the whole point is just to please yourself, you have to be selfish. I guess that makes it worth it then.

Kiubon

#318

08/23/22

9:17p

The more you do something, the more you will want to do it. The less you do something, the less you will want to do something.

• Eating candy
• Working out
• Blogging
• Watching stuff on the internet you shouldn’t be watching
• Eating healthy
• Meditating

Kiubon

#317

8.21.22

1:30p

“What you do on your bad days matters more than what you do on your good days.” – Kevin Kelley

#316

08/10/22

7:46p

I see this moment in my head, right before my little brother entered his angsty stage. He comes into my room, holding one of those thick school books designed to do over the summer so you don’t get “stupid.” He already asked my sister for help, and she was impatient with him, so he comes in a little distraught. He sits on my bed and asks for my help. I’m doing something so irrelevant on my computer I can’t even remember. I’m not in the mood to help. I try and help him. We’re multiplying numbers or something. I’m losing patience with him. He’s not getting it. I throw my finger down aggressively on the page and say something mean, “you don’t get it Kojii???” In that exact moment, right before he reacted, I knew I fucked up. His faces wrinkles up and he starts to cry. I feel like an asshole and say sorry but he’s already getting up and leaving. I try and convince him to stay, which he would’ve done when he was younger, but he’s capable of making his own decisions now. He cries and leave the room, holding his workbook by the corner. I feel like shit for a moment and then turn back to my computer, hit play, to continue watching or doing whatever meaningless crap that was more important than my little brother. 

I see this moment vividly. I always revisit again and again. That was my last moment with him before he entered his preteen age. I think it was right when Covid started. I moved into a friends house during Covid and then left for Yosemite. When I finally return home, he’s much taller, older, more quiet. We don’t talk. It’s not like before when he used to be so excited to give me a hug whenever I came home. I’m so sorry I fucked up Kojii. I’m so sorry. 

Kiubon

#315

08/07/22

1:26p

Whenever I’m about to cry, my noses get crinkly. A tinkling feeling. Im lying down at Riverside Lisbon. My friend Dhina next to me. I love this place so much. Portugal has been amazing. When you get the people right and the place right, nothing else really matters. Portugal, thank you. 

Kiubon

#314

7.24.22

5:58p

There’s a group of boys in the booth next to me playing Nintendo Switch. I imagine the texts went something like this.

Wyd

Nothing

Want to play Smash?

Sure

Where

Panera?

Okay let me shower first

They look so lame. Mundane. And that’s not a knock. Just matter of fact. They probably played some mediocre games, nothing noteworthy. Maybe next week they’ll do the same. Probably earlier. This is life. The mundane. They’ll continue playing video games together, growing their friendship. One day, one of them will get married, and maybe the other will be the best man. Maybe one day in college, one will have a breakdown, and the other will know exactly what to say. Because of that Nintendo Switch. Because they spent time in the mundane to get to know one another, where you really get to know someone, sometimes just sitting in a car, sometimes playing video games.

Kiubon

#313

7.20.22

11:06a

My sugar addiction has been the hardest to cut. Just now, I saw a mom by her 3 year old daughter a fat smoothie. Why would you do that? She is going to grow up craving things with sugar because of this early start.

Sugar is delicious. It’s a treat. Though, isn’t it much more rewarding for her to start her life with a foundation of healthy eating? A foundation of fiber instead of sugar? Maybe this is my eating disorder talking. Maybe it’s my fear that I will never kick this. Maybe I wish my parents kept a stronger hold on my sugar, even though I would’ve hated it as a kid.

Kiubon

#312

7.17.22

3:08p

In 1.5 weeks, I head to Portugal to film my friends wedding. He’s 5’2″ and she’s 6’0″. It’s a funny combo. It’ll be my fourth time visiting Portugal which is crazy to me. Out of the four flights to Portugal, I only paid for one, and I was flying from France, so it was cheap.

After my week in Portugal, I will be in Columbus for the most part and then Asia. It’s crazy to think It’ll be my last time for a long time visiting (Western) Europe. It makes me think of this thoughtful Sam Harris lesson:

Since 18 years old, I’ve spent much self discovery time there. And Europe is easy. So easy. And I will miss it nonetheless.

When’s the last time you’ll go to Europe? Or some place you really love? You never really do know. Act accordingly.

Kiubon

#311

7.16.22

9:54p

Sometimes you have to read an old book to see how much you’ve grown. I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower in seventh grade, the start of my depression. That was more than ten years ago. Gosh I’m getting old. And I’m only 23. Some lines I finally understood. Some I probably won’t for another ten years. Some didn’t hit as hard as ten years ago. Some hit even harder. My favorite book ever is Okay For Now by Gary D. Schmidt. I’ve never cried harder from a book. And it’s not supposed to be sad. I also read that when I was in seventh grade. Though I fear it probably won’t be my favorite book in a couple of years, because that side of me is becoming a distant memory – that depressed, angsty preteen. Until then, I’ll enjoy reading some of my favorite books from then.

This line hit hard from The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. “

The Perks of Being a Wall Flower by Stephen Chbosky

Kiubon

#310

7.14.22

5:33p

Dear Amal,

Forty-nine. When you told us to take time to write what we learned in Jordan, I had forty-nine points. Some of them are cheesy like, “I learned I need to fix my posture.” and  “I learned I like anklets and rings.” Some of them I’ll keep with me forever like, “I learned some people exhaust me, therefore I need to schedule alone time.” and “I learned I am at my worst as a leader when I’m questioning small decisions.” Jordan was a privilege. Come spend a month in this beautiful country that not many Americans go to, yeah you’ll eat so much falafel and hummus, and work with Palestininan refugees, and explore Petra and float in the Dead Sea, but also you’ll walk away with forty-nine valuable lessons that will shape you, challenge you, mold you into this wonderful human you’re becoming. What a privilege. Thank you Amal. I turned 23 when I was in Jordan. I turned 19 when I was in Tunis, my first LCL program. Now is the time to hunker down, level up, explore, adventure, and discover who I want to be and what impact I want to make. And what a privilege it is that Lights, Camera, Learn was the very start of this growth journey, and it’s continuing to enlighten me. Also quick side note about the Dead Sea, I’ve been listening to that song by The Lumineers for nine years, and thanks to Jordan and you, I finally got a chance to visit – a surreal moment. It’s July 2022. As old chapters close and new ones begin, I’ll look back on Jordan to see how I learned much needed lessons for my next adventure: Hong Kong. I’ll remember to stand up straight as I walk around the bustling markets. I’ll flash my new jade ring to all my new friends. I’ll be a confident leader, especially in the small decisions. In a couple of years, maybe there will be a Hong Kong or Guangzhou LCL session. I’ll lead it. It’ll be so much fun. When we’re finished, I’ll write one of these letters, and end it with the only sentence that really matters. Thank you Amal.

Yours truly,

Kiubon