#337

There will be some boys who will go downstairs on Christmas day with no presents.

Maybe they’ll say hi to their mom, maybe they won’t. It’ll be a regular day. It might be snowing outside, but it won’t matter to them.

They’ll hit the power button on their computer or Xbox and wait for the game to load. They’ll play for three hours and not remember any of it. At the end of the game, they’ll say “good game” and “Merry Christmas” on voice chat. And the other boys will say it back. That will be the only one they hear that day. Their heart yearns for intimacy and a Merry Christmas from a stranger playing a video game is the only semblance that today is a holiday.

They’ll eat some dinner. Maybe his parents will say it then, trying to reach out. But he’ll ignore it or just let the words float in the air, since the damage is done. He’ll have to grow up and wait for when it’s just beyond too late to start the process of having real Christmas days with his family. And until then, he’ll keep playing video games, and as much as he likes it, he’ll wait for the day when he has an excuse not to.

Kiubon

#336

11/30/22

9:19a

There’s a dad and his son eating McDonalds together in the TPE airport. He bought him a breakfast bagel that’s way to large him for him. He’ll probably finish it too since this is a treat. They don’t talk. He takes big bites. He drinks from his large soda. The dad taps away at his computer.

Stuff like this reminds me of me and my father like crazy. We never ate McDonalds together in a Taiwanese airport, but he used to buy me hash browns as a gift. That’s all he could afford. I would nibble on it slowly as he drove back to our townhouse. Sometimes it was so hot, the paper melted with the potato.

One night, sharing a bedroom with my older brother, I was reflecting on my mom and dad fighting. I knew they hated each other, but I didn’t want him to leave, because then who would buy me hash browns?

I got to go to Taiwan, a place my dad has been. My dad has been here. I tell myself, as I binge on 7/11 pastries and exploit my privilege.

One day, I’ll be across from my son, eating McDonalds. And we’ll be talking. I swear to you, we’ll be talking.

Kiubon

#335

11.17.22

8:26a

What was one thing yesterday that I learned or progressed on that will influence me today?

Yesterday at counseling, I learned that I am codependent. I am not okay unless you are okay. Today, I will see the way I interact with people and not apply that mindset. I will make sure my needs are met in a healthy way and also address their needs, without being codependent.

Kiubon

#334

11.4.22

11:46a

Sometimes deep down I think blogging will make me famous. Or successful. Or really really rich. Those are all huge stretches, yet it brings me to write another blog post. I know nobody really reads these. I really don’t “care”. Reading old blog posts from 3 years ago is such a treat. That should be enough, right? Loving the process?

Kiubon

#334

10:16p

11.1.22

A dude at BJJ told me today, “I can deadlift your entire family.” I’ve never heard anything like that. Creativity in insults, is where humor is. Creativity in all things! Is what makes life. FUNNY.

How can I make this more creative?

this

doing

by

maybe?

If I had more time, I would think of more ideas.

Kiubon

#333

10.31.22

12:47p

Yesterday, me and a friend went to Ocean Park, a theme park in HK, to ride some rollercoaster rides for two hours before they closed. We ran into a group of three friends, wearing hat middle finger costumes. A hat that looks like a middle finger and you wear it on your face. They taught me a cantonese bad word, the worst one. And didn’t want to walk to the cable car with us, even though they were going the same way. Maybe they were afraid of being vulnerable with strangers. I totally get it. So you just smack the eject button and go back on your couch with the chips.

Kiubon

#332

10.28.22

11:36a

According to John Mark Comer, the older you get while following Jesus leads to peace with God. Not peace in the sense that, “everything’s gonna work out.” Because it clearly doesn’t for some people. (stoned to death, crucified, thrown in prison, etc etc, we have it easy in the US). Peace in the sense, wherever you take me God, you will make it favorable for your kingdom. Which might mean, okay go stand in a corner while I throw rocks at you until you’re bleeding out of your ears. Or it’s might mean, stay here in this high school until you’re old and still single, and love them.

Nothing really fazes you anymore. You don’t care much about judgement of others. Because you’re His.

Now how do you get there? How do you get intimate with God? How do you know it’s truth so you dedicate your life to it?

That’s the biggest, and hardest question in my life right now.

Kiubon

#331

10.26.22

1:05p

I moved here for family dreams and career dreams. It’s been one month. I compare this month to times at a summer camp where I grew so much, in less than a month! How did I grow here? I’m stumped. This is a dream! Living in Hong Kong. Yet why do I feel like I’m just going through the motions? Maybe I should show more grace to myself. I don’t even bat an eye after eating some delicious food that others would spend a grand on a plane ticket just to try. Makes me think of the Andy Bernard quote: “I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them.” 

One month in Hong Kong. No need to compare. I’m experiencing what I’m experiencing. As long as I achieve what I came here for:

• Learn canto and mando
• Make the feature version of Holding on to Water

And if not, and it’s a detour, that’s okay too.

Kiubon

#330

10.25.22

2:09p

After watching the first two episodes of Ted Lasso, I found myself asking, “How can I be more like Ted?” He judges not, loves unconditionally, breaks barriers with humor, and accepts everyone. This all draws from being confident in himself, not fazed by the world and its discontents. How can you be more confident? How can you be more sure of yourself? Stick to your values. Stick to who you are. I’m writing this in my office while people are around me. Metta because I’m scared they’ll see me blogging.

Kiubon

#329

10.23.22

6:47p

Yesterday, I went to my fifth BJJ class at the gym I’m committing too. Everybody spoke canto. I was clearly a foreigner who didn’t belong. When I rolled with them, they would make jokes in canto about me not paying the fee so they should go easy on me (which they already were). They beat my ass wow. At the end of it, they asked if I was coming back. Yes I am. That felt good to say.

Kiubon

#328

10.21.22

3:45p

Most interesting thing that happened yesterday was my French host dad here in Hong Kong came back from a dinner with his friends. He was kinda drunk because he kept saying “poutain” which he never had before. And he was really excited for me to visit my brother in Seoul.

Also a quote from James Clear
“Without altering the facts of the situation I am facing and without ignoring the reality of what must be done, what is the most useful and empowering story I can tell myself about what is happening and what I need to do next?”

Kiubon

#327

10.19.22

11:18a

Most interesting thing that happened yesterday: holding my colleagues three month old baby and realizing the last time I held a baby was when I was 10, holding my little brother. And then realizing, they’re so powerless and you really can’t payback everything your parents did for you, yet you didn’t ask to be born. They wanted a kid for their sake. And more contradicting thoughts.

Or maybe it was eating dinner with my friend’s family. I asked the question, which country/city would you absolutely not want to move to if God told you to go? My answer was Columbus, Ohio. Isn’t that telling? Of all places, I would not want to be back home, with my parents. With my little brother. With the people that I would die for without hesitation yet can’t sit at the same dinner table with. Something is fundamentally broken inside of me. I came to Hong Kong to look for that.

Kiubon