#347

1.19.23

I’m really identifying with these two verses from this song:

I keep searching for the answers to my doubts
It’s like I’m caught between belief and wanting out
But there’s this promise that my soul just cannot shake
That I am loved despite the struggles of my faith

And now that my eyes are open
I can see that I am stronger broken
You’re the mystery that I put my hope in
The more I seek, the more I find

Socrates said, “I know that I know nothing.”
I’m finding comfort in not having it all figured out. Ask person at any age, we’re all just faking it.

We’re all walking around hoping something will fall from the sky to tell us if we’re doing it right or not.

Good thing we have Jesus! Who did come back from Heaven to tell us! Cheesy I know, but what else won’t fail me? What else will last forever? What else will love me back?
It for sure as hell won’t be the Oscar trophy I dream about that I will leave in my hotel room.

Kiubon

#346

1.18.23

11:27a

A fear mindset is not healthy. You process everything in scarcity, worry, and unease.

If I skateboard down this street, everybody will look at me weird, and I fear the judgement of strangers.

If I text this person again, they might not reply because they’re busy, and I fear their rejection.

I must buy all these snacks because I fear they won’t need me there, so I’m making my contribution.

I must purge food from my body, because I fear people don’t like me, so I must be good looking for them.

I’m learning how to recognize the culture of fear that’s lived in my head for so long, and to say get out.

Kiubon

#344

1.9.23

11:01p

There are no such thing as relationship problems. They are all human problems, according to Mark Manson.

So as I examine why I code switch when talking to certain people, I think, what is wrong with me?

Why am I changing myself? What am I believing about myself that causes me to act this way?

Bleh
Kiubon

#343

1.7.23

I live with a French family here in Hong Kong. I share a bathroom with a 16 year old girl, and tonight she brought home a group of friends. I had just finished eating some bok choy and roast duck, when they all came out of her room, speaking fast french, laughing, followed by some sushing. I didn’t dare go wash my plate. The bones just sat there, simmering in the used napkins. I just locked myself in my room, even had to go to the bathroom, but I kept tight.

Sometimes you’re scared. And you recognize it. How irrational it is. And you don’t do anything about it. I’m paying 6000 HKD a month for rent. Yes I’m entitled to the bathroom whenever I want. But sometimes a group of 16 year or old girls, you’re afraid of their judgment, what they will think of you, and even scarier, if they ask you a question.

I know it’s so dumb. They finally left, so I went to pee.
Kiubon

#340

1.3.23

9:47a

Looking through some of these old entries is painful. The writing is so bland, boring, and sucky.

Who cares.

I’m not writing for anyone. I’m getting through the bad writing to find the good writing.

So if you’re reading this and you think it sucks, good.

Keep coming back for crappy writing and you might get a good entry here and there.

Kiubon

#337

There will be some boys who will go downstairs on Christmas day with no presents.

Maybe they’ll say hi to their mom, maybe they won’t. It’ll be a regular day. It might be snowing outside, but it won’t matter to them.

They’ll hit the power button on their computer or Xbox and wait for the game to load. They’ll play for three hours and not remember any of it. At the end of the game, they’ll say “good game” and “Merry Christmas” on voice chat. And the other boys will say it back. That will be the only one they hear that day. Their heart yearns for intimacy and a Merry Christmas from a stranger playing a video game is the only semblance that today is a holiday.

They’ll eat some dinner. Maybe his parents will say it then, trying to reach out. But he’ll ignore it or just let the words float in the air, since the damage is done. He’ll have to grow up and wait for when it’s just beyond too late to start the process of having real Christmas days with his family. And until then, he’ll keep playing video games, and as much as he likes it, he’ll wait for the day when he has an excuse not to.

Kiubon

#336

11/30/22

9:19a

There’s a dad and his son eating McDonalds together in the TPE airport. He bought him a breakfast bagel that’s way to large him for him. He’ll probably finish it too since this is a treat. They don’t talk. He takes big bites. He drinks from his large soda. The dad taps away at his computer.

Stuff like this reminds me of me and my father like crazy. We never ate McDonalds together in a Taiwanese airport, but he used to buy me hash browns as a gift. That’s all he could afford. I would nibble on it slowly as he drove back to our townhouse. Sometimes it was so hot, the paper melted with the potato.

One night, sharing a bedroom with my older brother, I was reflecting on my mom and dad fighting. I knew they hated each other, but I didn’t want him to leave, because then who would buy me hash browns?

I got to go to Taiwan, a place my dad has been. My dad has been here. I tell myself, as I binge on 7/11 pastries and exploit my privilege.

One day, I’ll be across from my son, eating McDonalds. And we’ll be talking. I swear to you, we’ll be talking.

Kiubon

#335

11.17.22

8:26a

What was one thing yesterday that I learned or progressed on that will influence me today?

Yesterday at counseling, I learned that I am codependent. I am not okay unless you are okay. Today, I will see the way I interact with people and not apply that mindset. I will make sure my needs are met in a healthy way and also address their needs, without being codependent.

Kiubon

#334

11.4.22

11:46a

Sometimes deep down I think blogging will make me famous. Or successful. Or really really rich. Those are all huge stretches, yet it brings me to write another blog post. I know nobody really reads these. I really don’t “care”. Reading old blog posts from 3 years ago is such a treat. That should be enough, right? Loving the process?

Kiubon

#334

10:16p

11.1.22

A dude at BJJ told me today, “I can deadlift your entire family.” I’ve never heard anything like that. Creativity in insults, is where humor is. Creativity in all things! Is what makes life. FUNNY.

How can I make this more creative?

this

doing

by

maybe?

If I had more time, I would think of more ideas.

Kiubon