#264

2.26.22

1:16p

Acne started showing up around 7th grade. “Don’t worry, it’s puberty”, I thought. Welp. It’s still here. It’s been ten years. What the fuck. I’ve tried taking pills which helped a little. I tried washing it away which didn’t work. And I tried changing what I ate which seems to be the biggest catalysts. But all these fucking sweets and chocolate croissants all over France are proving harder to shake than a porn addiction. Will I finish this blogpost and go straight to the kitchen counter 12 feet away and eat more sweets?

Acne makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel unqualified. It dampens my positive self talk.

So what the fuck am I doing to make it better?

The reason I can write about this “publicly” is because I’ve told one person about this website, and I doubt he will read this.

So here we are, ten years later with even more acne, maybe even less self control in some aspects and more in others.

Let’s leave acne in 2022.

Kiubon

#263

2.25.22

10:59a

I’ve been wearing the same shirt the past month and a half. I have 60 more days with this shirt. Not complaining. Just saying. Travel stretches us. I’m probably going to do this in “real world” too. I’m tired. I don’t know what to write. I don’t want to complain because clearly I’m so lucky to be here.

Faster alone, further together.

I’m currently travelling with Paul Antoine who’s been in bed the whole morning. Before we left for our trip yesterday, we stopped for granola bars. And then stopped again for cigarettes. He gets hungry faster than me, I worry about his spirit when we cars pass us by, his smile is not as bright as me. We do not have the same qualities travel qualities.

But maybe we will actually make it to brussels. That’s the goal. Maybe we will.

Kiubon

#262

2.22.22

1:34p

Yes I ate bread. I binged 8 pain au chocolates. 6 of which were in 10 minutes. I’m tired of lacking self control. Fuck this. fuck bread. fuck sweets.

Kiubon

#261

2.21.22

I need to stop eating bread. I will stop eating bread.

Kiubon

#261

2.20.22

10:49p

I’m at my old host family’s house – where I studied abroad – having an amazing time. It’s been more than two years since I’ve seen them. After I leave, I’m not sure when I will see them again. If I’m swamped with life and so are they, or something else more tragic happens, then this is the only time I have guaranteed with them. That means make the most of it! Yes cliche. And yes true.

Kiubon

#260

2.18.22

2:53p

I was losing a lot of weight because I was eating so little. And the portions are small. Then I got to Clermont-Ferrand and went a little crazy with the pain au chocolats. Now I’m gaining weight. Lol insecurities. More first world problems coming your way.

Kiubon

#259

2.17.22

3:08p

I dropped my phone again and now the screen is going haywire. There’s a Morgan Spurlock quote that goes something like, “Once you go fancy, fancy goes broke.” My computer is degrading. My $2200 camera that I just bought, didn’t stop recording when I wanted it to. Which led to the loss of a really good long clip I would have 100% used in the documentary. So yes we use our money to buy these expensive things and they break. Oh well.

Kiubon

#258

2.16.22

11:23p

Sometimes I have to remind myself there’s not really much to fear during this trip. Even when I didn’t have a place to stay in Perpignan. I have money in my bank account. I can charge my credit card and have a month to pay it. I have $1k in my emergency fund. So why be scared when talking to someone? Why worry about not finding a ride? I can take the train which is far more comfortable and peaceful. Why worry about making a surface level doc when I get dare more and feel more and do more?

Kiubon

#257

2.14.22

6:07p

I’m getting comfortable here in Bordeaux, which makes me feel like a burden to this family. So I should leave soon. But I don’t wanna leave soon because then I’ll be uncomfortable again. And I’ve been uncomfortable for so much of this trip (which is actually a good thing cause of growth). So off to Saint-Jeans-de-Monts to meet new strangers, sleep in a new bed, new city, new everything. Can’t stay for comfortable for too long! Always have to keep growing.

Kiubon

#256

2.13.22

4:37p

Sometimes when the travel gets hard and lonely I remind myself how novel my situation is. In Montpellier, waiting for Marie to be done with school, so I go hang with her and her French friends, I went to a park to get some exercise. There were some teenagers sitting on the public ping pong tables, smoking cigarettes. An Arab man laughing with his friend over a video call. Children were playing on the playground.

At first I was a little scared people would watch me, but who the fuck actually cares about their opinions? So I took my shoes and socks off and started jumping rope. Here I was in Montpellier, the south of France, jumping rope with golf pants and the only t shirt I brought. Where am I?

Moments like this remind me, I will probably never come to this park ever again and jump rope under the guise of random Frenchies. So appreciate it. Stop caring about what other people think of you.

Moments like these aren’t as fun as clubbing in Madrid with your new hostel friends or as shitty as sleeping in a hostel hallway because you don’t wanna pay. But they’re special nonetheless. Because I’m in Europe, like the privileged American I am, jumping rope in a small ass European park in the middle of the city.

Kiubon

#255

2.10.22

6:53p

I watched a documentary recently called Three Songs for Benazir. Towards the end, the main protagonist’s two boys came up to greet him. He said to his wife, “Where are their shoes?” The wife responded, “I don’t have money for shoes.”

What the hell am I doing worrying about anything? These two kids are barefoot in Afghanistan, and I’m strolling through France with close to $4,000 worth of camera equipment and very nice shoes.

So it might be human nature to feel a little nervous while asking strangers for a place to sleep or a more emotionally involved question in a car. I’ll feel the fear and ask anyways. I’ll feel the fear and go beyond. I’ll feel the fear, look at my nice fucking shoes, and go.

Kiubon

#254

2.6.22

6:15p

Took two more cars to get to Limoges. I am constantly astonished at how kind strangers are. A couple picked me up and drove out of their way to depose me to a better location. I guess I looked like an idiot standing on the wrong side of the road. They are hitchhiking veterans and gave me advice and even made a “Limoges” sign for me! Why??? Why are they so kind??? Are humans just kind??

Then another couple picked me up and drove me straight to Limoges. He was 21 and she was 19. I am 22! 22! I am older than them. I should be serving them! Humbled. So humbled.

Kiubon

#253

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Victor Frankl

Didn’t get an interview for the grad school I wanted to go. Shall I pout and binge eat shit? I already did that yesterday. Life reminded me of the above Victor Frankl quote. So no more pouting. No more eating junk. Move on.

Kiubon

#252

2.3.22

3:51p

As my time in Clermont-Ferrand comes to close, I will probably be going to Limoges to get interviewed for a local television station??? I am starting to get comfortable here, meeting lots of amazing people, sleeping in without an alarm, and eating too much bread and sugar. And soon, I’ll be back on the road with feeling weird because I won’t know where I’ll be sleeping. This is all contributing to the documentary to make good art. I don’t know why my mind automatically goes to the shitty scenario. I literally have nothing to worry about. If I wanted to, I could tap out and pay for a flight back to the States, tonight. But I won’t. I will keep going. Keep meeting cool people, discovering what this documentary is about, and learning.

Kiubon

#251

2.1.22

11:42a

After a day of screenings, expensive french food, and walking around the city, I went to the festival bar to meet people. I didn’t know a single person there. I did a round outside then went inside to do the same. All strangers. Shit I wasn’t feeling courageous to talk to strangers. Ironic right since that’s the topic of my documentary. So I was about to leave but wanted to stay a little bit longer to give it a little bit more. Then I spotted Liga, the Latvian girl I met earlier. A familiar face! Finally. I met her at the bar and started talking. Which slowly led to me meeting Iris, Hyatt, Lena, Solomon, Jukka, Yasmine, Bruno, and Maggie. And one of them has their own production company and could possibly help produce my feature doc??? Exciting! So stay a little longer. Go a little bit more. Do two more pushups. Walk a couple more steps because your world could change!

Kiubon