#279

4.14.22

2:19p

It’s been three months in Europe and I still wish I dared more. Yes, I grew, experienced, and did so much. I met great people and forgettable people, and I’m ready to go home. And looking back, regrets are futile, yet I wish I dared more. Wish I risked more. Because I’m probably only going to make one travel documentary in Europe. No way in hell am I going to lug around my heavy camera gear again for more than three months.

It’s been a fat journey.

Everything to be grateful for. Nothing to fear.

Kiubon

#278

4.12.22

10:45a

Around two years ago, my friend Kyle got back from his first Vipassana Meditation Retreat and told me about it. I listened in awe and thought maybe I could do something like that if I had bigger balls and a stronger will power.

In the following two years my mind thought about the retreat maybe once every four months. My favorite podcast also brought it up periodically making me more and more curious.

Finally I committed and signed up for my first retreat. I have around 5 ish months to prepare. I upped my routine to twenty minutes, twice a day which I learned wasn’t nearly enough.

Here are a couple of reflections:

After being deprived of serotonin, dopamine, any good feeling neuromodulator, you name it, nature renders more beautiful. You could say the clouds are in HD. A simple thing like a night sky filled with clouds and not stars can make you smile. An extraordinary thing like a double rainbow where you can see each color, when it was snowing the day before, made all of us jump out of our seats and go outside and watch, speechless, because we couldn’t talk.

I was feeling a little off, so I asked myself what I could add to my, within my own power, to make myself feel better. I had a roof over my head. I could shit and pee whenever I want. I ate good food twice a day. I had a bed. Yeah, I couldn’t talk or look at my phone or exercise. But I had literally all the essentials and I wasn’t paying a penny. So why was I feeling shitty? Did I really just want to talk? Why was my baseline at such a low level? What could I do to raise that level? What else did I need? Was I so gassed up with my phone, worldly pleasures, external unhealthy stimuli that now I just felt withdrawal?

Because we meditated all day, whenever the food bell rang, we all scrambled like dogs. Food was our only stimuli. I wasn’t even hungry when they rang lunch yet I rushed out of there to make sure I was first.

My mind wanders like crazy when I try to meditate. I believe that’s my mind fighting the need to meditate, to achieve silence, or a sankhara as they say in the Vipassana world.

I can achieve anything I put my mind to, within reason, including this ten day retreat that lots of people left. Yes I could’ve left and wanted to leave but I knew I can’t leave in the middle of the surgery like Goenka said. Staying the ten days will lead to much more healing and growth and leaving after day whatever will just be a waste of those days.

After sitting for ten days straight and for some sittings without movement, the pain in my back went away and I started getting better at tolerating it.

I’m not really sure what to make of all this. I need to do more reading about it and reflect more. I wish I had my journal for maybe even three minutes a night so I could just write down to quick thoughts. It seems like hedonic adaptation of the real world really just makes me want to forget about the whole retreat. Whereas, it was an amazing feeling to be able to talk again and sing. Even just talking to myself was amazing. Listening to music again was also blissful. And now, not three days later, I find myself skipping song after song after song.

Kiubon

#277

3.30.22

6:12a

There’s a Ukrainien family of four next to me at the Krakow airport. Two kids and two parents. They’re smiling, holding their passports like nothing is wrong. They’re fleeing from a war and keeping spirits high.

Just the other day, my biggest problem was sprinting two kilometers so I would catch my boss. Imagine sprinting from a country to catch your new life.

I don’t know. I’m a tourist in Poland celebrating because dinner was so cheap.

meanwhile they’re refugees. Should I have a bad time to make myself feel better? Not sure. Not sure.

Kiubon

#276

3.27.22

1:44p

Sunday night at 11pm in Berlin, we decided to hitchhike to Prague the following day. This moment of spontaneity led to one of the most “interesting” weeks of this trip.

Prague is an amazing city with culture, history, good food, beauty everywhere, and plenty to do. If we didn’t come here, I wouldn’t have met Ryan who tried to kick a chain in a bar and instead ending up cutting the top of his head open. He’s writing a book about car conversations he’s had while hitchhiking. If we didn’t come here, I wouldn’t have gotten black out drunk for the first time and successfully made my way back to the hostel on my own – and I don’t remember any part of it.

Experience. It’s all experience. Yes and. Things happen and we grow. Happening for me not to me. We love all of it.

This trip is winding down and here’s to the last month.

Kiubon

#275

3.25.22

2:34p

There are pianos in many European train stations, and I go there to play when I need to relax. After an eventful evening yesterday, I need to chill. Crazy this project is 3 ish months in. It’s been insane.

Kiubon

#274

11:47a

3.24.22

If you think somebody is thinking something about you. They’re probably not. Nobody actually gives a shit about the thoughts in your head, and also the thoughts in other people’s heads can’t harm you. Therefore if you’re feeling insecure about this or that, just stop overthinking it. Yes I’m writing all this for myself because yesterday with some new friends I cleared up some insecurity in my head and turns out they didn’t give a shit and didn’t even notice!!

Kiubon

#273

3.20.22

7:47p

Me and my friend Matteo are in Berlin going from bar to bar trying to find people who want to hang out with us. We’re two dumb tourists, unconfident as all hell. Even asking the bartender for water (because we’re on a budget) doesn’t prove natural. At our last bar, the bartender put a slice of lemon in the glasses of water. Even though it was just a slice of lemon and took less than two seconds for the mr berlin black shirt bartender to put drop it in, it was a reminder that some people are nicer than we think.

Kiubon

#272

3.16.22

5:37p

Let’s say Russia bombs a NATO country and the USA steps in, declares a state of emergency, and you’re drafted into the military, sent straight to Ukraine with a M16 in your trembling hands.

You could die. You probably will die.

This could happen in X amount of years. Insert whatever number you want. Maybe it’s not fighting on the front lines. Maybe it’s a nuke.

Nevertheless, you’re dead.

This scenario begs the question, therefore are you living out your best life today?

Because you could die. You will die. What are you doing today to make sure you’re alive?

I think about Steve Jobs, who worked his ass off for Apple, Pixar, etc. And then pancreatic cancer. $250 million to his name and he’s dead.

He better have enjoyed the ride. Rich and dead. Is it worth it?

I’m not sure. I dick around with my time way too much. I am prime meat to be sent to a war if the US says so. I write these posts for myself to convince myself to stop being a dumbass. I will hit publish and probably dick around some more, without changing any of my behavior.

So conviction, come on in. Whip me to shape.

Kiubon

#271

3.9.22

6:50p

The price of the BlaBlaBus went up because I waited too long to book it.

Kiubon

#270

3.8.22

11a

Jump out of an airplane

Meditation Retreat

A Past Year Review

Vacation

Reach out to friends you haven’t talked to in a while

Fast

Learn a new skill

Develop a new habit

Read at least one book (come on)

Quit a bad habit

Save money

Kiubon

#269

3.7.22

11:55a

It’s my fourth time here in Paris. Four times! It’s like that quote where you stop into a river and it’s never the same river because either you change or the river changes. Compared to the first three times, I am already growing and changing. And the third time was one week ago. It’s refreshing to walk through a city and appreciate the nooks and crannies. Before I wasn’t really “seeing” anything. I understand why Paris is the tourism capital of the world. It’s beautiful, fun, exciting, visceral.

Here’s to more Paris trips and continuing to grow !

Kiubon

#268

3.4.22

4:15p

Still Woozy concert in Berlin has been rescheduled to November. I was blasting his music right before I learned the news. Shit. Automatically felt like shit.

I was looking forward to this like crazy. Sure, I’d have a great time and I might be able to make the November show. But on my deathbed, will I be thinking of the still woozy concert in 2022? Probably not.

So just like I wrote in a previous post, when faced with a stimulus, we can choose our response. Here’s to being flexible. Here’s to doing something else in Berlin that I might actually remember on my deathbed.

Till November, Still Woozy

Kiubon

#267

3.3.22

3:30pm

#267

There was a father and daughter at the Arlon Train Station. Only 30,000 people live in Arlon, Belgium so I immediately felt an affinity with them. My ears always perk up when I hear American accents.

I was going to go up to them and start talking because, you know, we’re the only Americans here. But I didn’t because I got scared – of a father and his nine year old daughter.

He made a joke about how he’s a bad father and his daughter replied, “a crappy dad wouldn’t be bringing me to parrrisssss.”

I hope it stays that way forever.

Kiubon

#266

2.28.22

10:14p

It’s very hard to walk up to random strangers and ask to sleep in their house.

Kiubon

#265

2.27.22

11:27a

I’m amazing people stop their cars and drive me somewhere. Starting in Nantes, me and Paul-Antoine took three cars to Le Mans. And then one car to Paris. All by hitchhiking. We couldn’t find a last car towards Brussels so we took a BlaBlaCar.

I’m amazed at these people and their kindness. They don’t know me. I don’t know them. Yet they decide to trust. I’ve never once felt unsafe in a random person’s car.

Kiubon